Ending June on a High Note?

Work has been killing me lately.  My schedule has been brutal, and I don’t feel like I’m reclaiming my energy from it.

I think June is ending on a high note for me.  She and I have been communicating more, which is wonderful.  I told her that I feel like she needs two major things — (1) to feel secure and (2) to felt understood.  I think I’ve been doing a much better job at (2) in general by shutting up, listening to what she has to say, and thinking about everything that comes across to me.  I understand why she left, and I understand what behaviors she expects of me.  However, I am failing miserably on (1).  I pray to God for guidance in my life to help her feel more secure.  I need to be more adamant about my household and protecting it.  She should worry about bills getting paid on time.  And we’ve agreed for her to leave that sad excuse for a “job” that she has been subjected to all these months.  I think that’s a first good step protecting her — giving her a real option to leave that environment and all the stress associated with it.

Dealing with the addiction has been an up and down battle the past week and a half or so.  It’s easy when she is around, and hard when she isn’t and I know what she is off doing.  There is a lot of unmitigated jealousy.  I have taken more to prayer and meditation — but I think my meditation takes odd forms (e.g. going for a walk in the neighborhood and thinking).  I met with my “brother” (not by blood, but by reality) the other night and spilled everything out to him.  I wanted someone’s support.  I wanted someone to stop from judging me and just reinforce what I already knew I needed to do.

Thursday, June 22

We had a great time in Austin last Saturday.  That was, hands down, the best date we have ever had — and easily the best one I've ever been on.  We went to see the Capitol Building, ate and drank around Sixth Street, browsed through an antiques store, walked around Town Lake, and watched the bats come out from under Congress Avenue Bridge.  A most excellent date, if I say so myself.

I've got to go to a meeting tonight since today is my day off.  I honestly don't have the zeal for it that I have for the last two weeks.  This week has just been draining at home and work.  She didn't come home the past two nights, and I was really upset about having an empty house again.  We went through the arguments of how it felt like she didn't live here before.  I hope this can stop before they come up again.  It does feel like she is wanting to come back to me, but I don't know when she'll take the step and actually do it.

I've done alright overall the last week dealing with compulsive behavior.  The last two nights have been rough with her gone.  Three nights ago I was particularly fighting myself and just put on my sandals and went for a walk around the neighborhood, which helped me an awful lot.  I need to work on ways to divert myself though.  I feel like the compulsion is too close to my mind. 

Friday, June 17

She came back home again tonight.  We are going out tomorrow since both of us have the day off – something we decided about a week ago.  I told her I was going to surprise her, and I am with a trip to Austin all day tomorrow.  I figure we can see a few sites, shop on Sixth Street, and see the bats come out from under Congress Avenue Bridge.  It's something we've never done and should have, and I hope it will end up being some good time spent together.

She did come angry and/or frustrated tonight, but she wouldn't tell me why.  She's sitting on the couch text messaging New Guy.  It is one of the most painful things imaginable watching your partner disociate herself from you.  I hate that she's up communicating with him, and I hate that she'll probably be really tired tomorrow when we drive up to Austin.

Battling sexual behavior and keeping "sober" (as they call it in SAA meetings, which I honestly find a bit odd) hasn't been much of a challenge the last couple of days.  I've spent a lot of time with her, which helped tremendously.  Also, I really am starting to receive pornography and sexual urges differently.  I really do feel sad when I see pornography now.  I guess I feel like that because I've seen the effects of compulsive sexual behavior and am really hurting in my heart.

More tomorrow after Austin!

Back Home

I know I wrote my next post would be working through ways to deal with compulsive behavior, but I decided that it would be beneficial for me to write a bit about my personal life and how it is going. My intention is to make this weblog a little less academic and a bit more human. After all, there is a real person writing this with very real problems and striving to recover a very real relationship with someone.

Last night she stayed over at New Guy's house. New Guy is older, apparently more well established, and very slick in capitalizing on her confusion. He buys her lots of things and acts in a very disrespectful manner toward her. Granted, she doesn't feel it is disrespectful, but I do. I don't think a woman should be treated like an object, and I am sorry for the times that I ever did it to her.

Anyway, she did come home tonight, which I enjoyed greatly. I've noticed that most nights she doesn't come home are nights that we've had some conflict. We started getting into a semi-heated discussion of everything over the phone when she was about to leave work when her phone went dead tonight. I grabbed the dog and went up to her job. At first I was going angry, but I realized that was a mistake on the way. I managed to wrap my head around the fact that she hated all the times I had responded that way in the past, so I didn't arrive up there angry. I went up to her calm and at least content looking, and she came home tonight. Also, she didn't really try that hard to get away from me. We talked about random things for awhile. I even caught her calling me "Baby" again once, which she doesn't do much anymore.

All in all, a good night. I hope tomorrow can be the same.

Saturday will be our day together.