Work has been killing me lately. My schedule has been brutal, and I don’t feel like I’m reclaiming my energy from it.
I think June is ending on a high note for me. She and I have been communicating more, which is wonderful. I told her that I feel like she needs two major things — (1) to feel secure and (2) to felt understood. I think I’ve been doing a much better job at (2) in general by shutting up, listening to what she has to say, and thinking about everything that comes across to me. I understand why she left, and I understand what behaviors she expects of me. However, I am failing miserably on (1). I pray to God for guidance in my life to help her feel more secure. I need to be more adamant about my household and protecting it. She should worry about bills getting paid on time. And we’ve agreed for her to leave that sad excuse for a “job” that she has been subjected to all these months. I think that’s a first good step protecting her — giving her a real option to leave that environment and all the stress associated with it.
Dealing with the addiction has been an up and down battle the past week and a half or so. It’s easy when she is around, and hard when she isn’t and I know what she is off doing. There is a lot of unmitigated jealousy. I have taken more to prayer and meditation — but I think my meditation takes odd forms (e.g. going for a walk in the neighborhood and thinking). I met with my “brother” (not by blood, but by reality) the other night and spilled everything out to him. I wanted someone’s support. I wanted someone to stop from judging me and just reinforce what I already knew I needed to do.
