Ending June on a High Note?

Work has been killing me lately.  My schedule has been brutal, and I don’t feel like I’m reclaiming my energy from it.

I think June is ending on a high note for me.  She and I have been communicating more, which is wonderful.  I told her that I feel like she needs two major things — (1) to feel secure and (2) to felt understood.  I think I’ve been doing a much better job at (2) in general by shutting up, listening to what she has to say, and thinking about everything that comes across to me.  I understand why she left, and I understand what behaviors she expects of me.  However, I am failing miserably on (1).  I pray to God for guidance in my life to help her feel more secure.  I need to be more adamant about my household and protecting it.  She should worry about bills getting paid on time.  And we’ve agreed for her to leave that sad excuse for a “job” that she has been subjected to all these months.  I think that’s a first good step protecting her — giving her a real option to leave that environment and all the stress associated with it.

Dealing with the addiction has been an up and down battle the past week and a half or so.  It’s easy when she is around, and hard when she isn’t and I know what she is off doing.  There is a lot of unmitigated jealousy.  I have taken more to prayer and meditation — but I think my meditation takes odd forms (e.g. going for a walk in the neighborhood and thinking).  I met with my “brother” (not by blood, but by reality) the other night and spilled everything out to him.  I wanted someone’s support.  I wanted someone to stop from judging me and just reinforce what I already knew I needed to do.

Thursday, June 22

We had a great time in Austin last Saturday.  That was, hands down, the best date we have ever had — and easily the best one I've ever been on.  We went to see the Capitol Building, ate and drank around Sixth Street, browsed through an antiques store, walked around Town Lake, and watched the bats come out from under Congress Avenue Bridge.  A most excellent date, if I say so myself.

I've got to go to a meeting tonight since today is my day off.  I honestly don't have the zeal for it that I have for the last two weeks.  This week has just been draining at home and work.  She didn't come home the past two nights, and I was really upset about having an empty house again.  We went through the arguments of how it felt like she didn't live here before.  I hope this can stop before they come up again.  It does feel like she is wanting to come back to me, but I don't know when she'll take the step and actually do it.

I've done alright overall the last week dealing with compulsive behavior.  The last two nights have been rough with her gone.  Three nights ago I was particularly fighting myself and just put on my sandals and went for a walk around the neighborhood, which helped me an awful lot.  I need to work on ways to divert myself though.  I feel like the compulsion is too close to my mind. 

Friday, June 17

She came back home again tonight.  We are going out tomorrow since both of us have the day off – something we decided about a week ago.  I told her I was going to surprise her, and I am with a trip to Austin all day tomorrow.  I figure we can see a few sites, shop on Sixth Street, and see the bats come out from under Congress Avenue Bridge.  It's something we've never done and should have, and I hope it will end up being some good time spent together.

She did come angry and/or frustrated tonight, but she wouldn't tell me why.  She's sitting on the couch text messaging New Guy.  It is one of the most painful things imaginable watching your partner disociate herself from you.  I hate that she's up communicating with him, and I hate that she'll probably be really tired tomorrow when we drive up to Austin.

Battling sexual behavior and keeping "sober" (as they call it in SAA meetings, which I honestly find a bit odd) hasn't been much of a challenge the last couple of days.  I've spent a lot of time with her, which helped tremendously.  Also, I really am starting to receive pornography and sexual urges differently.  I really do feel sad when I see pornography now.  I guess I feel like that because I've seen the effects of compulsive sexual behavior and am really hurting in my heart.

More tomorrow after Austin!

Back Home

I know I wrote my next post would be working through ways to deal with compulsive behavior, but I decided that it would be beneficial for me to write a bit about my personal life and how it is going. My intention is to make this weblog a little less academic and a bit more human. After all, there is a real person writing this with very real problems and striving to recover a very real relationship with someone.

Last night she stayed over at New Guy's house. New Guy is older, apparently more well established, and very slick in capitalizing on her confusion. He buys her lots of things and acts in a very disrespectful manner toward her. Granted, she doesn't feel it is disrespectful, but I do. I don't think a woman should be treated like an object, and I am sorry for the times that I ever did it to her.

Anyway, she did come home tonight, which I enjoyed greatly. I've noticed that most nights she doesn't come home are nights that we've had some conflict. We started getting into a semi-heated discussion of everything over the phone when she was about to leave work when her phone went dead tonight. I grabbed the dog and went up to her job. At first I was going angry, but I realized that was a mistake on the way. I managed to wrap my head around the fact that she hated all the times I had responded that way in the past, so I didn't arrive up there angry. I went up to her calm and at least content looking, and she came home tonight. Also, she didn't really try that hard to get away from me. We talked about random things for awhile. I even caught her calling me "Baby" again once, which she doesn't do much anymore.

All in all, a good night. I hope tomorrow can be the same.

Saturday will be our day together.

Identifying Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB)

In the two SAA meetings which I have attended, there have been a number of individuals talking about being "sober". I think it's a funny way of talking about not acting out, but I can see the reason for stating it that way. From what I've ever seen of alcoholism, the battle is much the same with sexual addiction everyday. If something goes wrong – or maybe even if I want to just feel good about something during the day – I am habituated to dealing with it sexually. That can take the form of looking at pornography, or it can sometimes take the form of doing more with another person.

So, what makes up Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB)?

Websites tend to categorize CSB into two parts – Paraphilic and Nonparaphilic. Paraphilic is described as "uncoventional sexual behaviors that are compulsive and consequently devoid of love and intimacy". Examples given of this type of CSB are:

• Pedophilia
• Exhibitionism
• Voyeurism
• Sexual Masochism
• Sexual Sadism
• Transvestic Fetishism
• Frotteurism

Nonparaphilic CSB, on the other hand, is described as "conventional and normative sexual behavior taken to a compulsive extreme". Examples given are:

• Compulsive Cruising and Multiple Partners
• Compulsive Fixation on an Unattainable Partner
• Compulsive Autoeroticism
• Compulsive Multiple Love Relationships
• Compulsive Sexuality in a Relationship

I am guilty of Paraphilic behavior on the counts of exhibitionism and voyeurism (e.g. visiting adult theatres and arcades with a partner or alone). Of Nonparaphilic behavior, I am guilty on all counts during various times during my life.

I think the next step after identifying the compulsive behavior is figuring out ways to avoid and end the behavior all together. In the next post I want to work through ways to do this – not just in the long run, but day to day when temptation is the greatest. I've looked at a webpage from Dr. Phil dealing with compulsive behavior, and will find more between now and then.

Introduction

However you've happened upon this weblog, the tale contained within should be something that benefits you. Whether you are an addict, a victim of someone's addiction, or someone who wants to learn about sexual addiction, there will be ample things for you to read and think about over time.

I am an average guy that you see everyday everywhere. I am 26 years old and a sex addict. I have – or rather had – a beautiful and wonderful partner who was hurt deeply by my actions. I hid my other life from her for a very long time – nearly two entire years. I could have been married to her – but now I see her hurt everyday, getting involved in another relationship in reaction to what has happened, and wondering daily whether or not we will ever be able to pick up the pieces and start again.

It was advised that I get professional help. However, professional help cost anywhere from $100-200 per hour, and this is money that I just don't have as a university student and low-level manager in my job. So, I've started attending meetings of a scattered group called Sex Addicts Anonymous. The meetings are free and full of people with the same problem as me. Of course, acting out has taken different forms among us. However, we all share the common thread in that we have acted out and that we have hurt so many people in doing so – not least being ourselves.

I do not know if my fiance will ever take me back. I do not know what the outcome of my attempt at recovery will be. I do hope that writing down my experience will help others with changing their lives. I think sexual addiction has become a huge problem for Americans and that we must fight to save the goodness of our morality. Pornography is not an innocent thing. It damages people and relationships every single day. Relationships of love are based on exclusiveness, and putting one's energy into pornography or other sexual pursuits only acts to take away from the relationship that matters most.

Read my experiences, feel free to contribute, and please note the resources both within this site and inside other websites. I hope this will be a good tale at the end, and I hope that someone out there benefits from what I am going to do.